God has answered our prayers. On Monday night, July 14th, with much physical and emotional pain, I gave birth to the baby we will never know in this life. It seems that as each day passes I miss our baby more and more. It’s hard to understand such grieving over one whom we never knew; indeed, the loss of a baby through miscarriage is–and feels like–losing a loved one.
Because of the time we had to prepare ourselves for the loss of this child, I honestly did not foresee having such feelings upon the time of the actual miscarriage. God filled Travis and me with so much peace, comfort, and strength during those three weeks of waiting; and I guess I thought that would keep the tears and pain away. I tend to think that I have to be “strong” in order for others to see God working in this situation and in order to prove that my faith is unwavering. But as a dear friend encouraged me, mourning is okay and is, in fact, very important in the healing process. She reminded me that we (believers) do not mourn like those who have no hope (unbelievers). I have placed all my hope and trust in God, but that does not mean I won’t experience natural human emotions. It does mean, however, that my response to those emotions should reflect that hope and trust. Furthermore, I am reminded that I do not have to be “strong” in order for God to be glorified. “And He has said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.’ Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong” (2 Corinthians 12:9-10).
I have prayed since the first ultrasound that whatever happened, God would receive the utmost glory. May He continue to cultivate in me a proper and Godly weakness that He and not me would be shown strong.
I love you, my little baby, and I long for the day when I will join you in heaven to be with our Lord forever.