This morning I was excited to go to church. Having missed the service for the past three Sundays due first to being out of town and then to illness, I was extra ready to worship God in the corporate setting today.
After a great morning of waking up to smiling faces, coming downstairs to an already prepared breakfast (Thank you, honey!), and leaving the house ON TIME (even a little early!), we arrived at church a happy family. Travis and I worked together to get the kids dropped off in their respective classes, and somewhere in the midst of that, I lost track of him. Not sure where he had gone, I hesitantly headed on in to the sanctuary and remained standing in the back, knowing that, wherever he was, he would find me there.
In a short while, he caught up with me, making his way into the sanctuary; and we found a seat as the worship service began. Out of curiosity, I leaned over and whispered to Travis, “What happened to you?” His less than gracious reply came just as the congregation was asked to stand and join in singing. Travis stood, but I didn’t. I didn’t feel like it. I was “hurt” and “offended” and I “didn’t deserve” to be treated that way and the last thing I wanted to do was to stand and worship God and get over it and blah, blah, blah…. So I sat and sang half-heartedly while I wrestled with the irony of how excited I had been to gather with the Church in worship and yet how unwilling I momentarily felt to participate in it.
At the end of that song, the congregation was told to be seated; and as Travis took his seat next to me, I coldly turned my shoulder from him and refused to let my eyes meet his, all the while thinking, “I’m going to make him realize that he mistreated me!” I sat there like that, separated from my husband by the invisible wall I had constructed between us, when suddenly God spoke to my heart. “Stop trying to be his conscience. Don’t you believe Me?” Immediately, I repented of my actions and my attitude and silently resolved to let it go and to let God deal with Travis IF he saw fit. Exactly following that instant, Travis leaned over and put his arm around me, pulling me to him in what felt to me like a silent apology. I smiled inside as I thanked God for His timing, realizing that apologies are so much better when made and accepted with right hearts.
Tonight, I picked up Created to Be His Help Meet by Debi Pearl and began reading from the chapter at which I had left off many months ago. Chapter 7 is entitled “Wisdom–While There is Yet Hope.” A couple pages into this chapter, I read, “When God gave Eve to Adam, he was giving him a helper, not a conscience. Adam already had a conscience before his wife was created” (pg. 67); and I smiled at God. A few pages later, Debi poses the question, “Were you mad at your husband this week over something he did, like… speaking to you rudely…? Did you seethe with bitterness and intentionally avoid looking into his eyes so as to express your disdain? You know what I am talking about. You remember the ugliness of your own heart and soul” (pg. 72). Yes, I did remember. And, I smiled at God again.
That same chapter is subtitled with the following statement: “A wise woman is always learning. She is open to change. She is ready to hear. She pursues knowledge.”
Thank You, God, for giving me the wisdom to HEAR and to CHANGE. And thank You for forgiving the ugliness of my heart this morning!